How Kindness Preserves Love When You Argue
“It feels like we have the same arguments over and over again.”
“I know deep down that I love him, but too often, I just don’t feel it.”
“Why does it take so little to set her off? I barely walked in the door before she started in on me again!”
“Why can’t we solve anything? We can’t stop fighting.”
Couples can love one another very much and still struggle to connect. They can be extremely committed to their relationship. But for some, minor spats keep turning into big arguments.
We see many couples who struggle to communicate. Why do disagreements get worse the more you try to talk?
You might be thinking: “There are so many things to like about him. But for some reason, I just can’t satisfy him.” Or: “She doesn’t see that I’m trying very hard to make her happy.” The paradox is, both partners are unhappy, both want to fix it, and neither seems to know what to do.
Most People Aren’t Selfish Jerks; The Danger is a Habit of… Come Read the Rest
What’s Below the Surface of Arguments with Your Partner?
I work with many couples who are upset that they fight all the time. They wonder why they can’t solve problems like disagreements about cleaning up the dishes, or how to parent their kids, or whether one works too much. They think that if they solve that content issue, they’ll go back to feeling close again.
In fact, it’s hard to get back to feeling good without looking at what’s underneath. The argument is what’s happening on the surface. But what’s underneath is usually a very real fear of not being loved or appreciated, or being seen as “not good enough.”
Why Arguments Escalate with Loved Ones
When an argument heats up, often there is an unmet need for more emotional connection. One or both partners is feeling emotionally starved.
The person who is upset about dirty dishes, for example, probably thinks, “I’m not appreciated, my partner doesn’t care; I’m just being taken for … Come Read the Rest