Tag: Emotionally Focused Therapy

 
independent couple

Do You Hide Personal Problems From Your Spouse?

Do you hide personal issues you’re facing from your partner? You might want to protect your loved one from worrying too much. But there’s a risk to your partnership in keeping too much of your inner world to yourself.

Let me explain with a quick story.

I worked with one married couple I’ll call John and Jane.

John came from London to America, where he and Jane met and got married. John’s mother remained in England where she lived alone. Over the years, John’s mother started having trouble taking care of herself.

John’s anxiety about his mother grew. He spent increasing time and attention preoccupied with her troubles. His worries strained an already troubled relationship with Jane.

During one of our couple’s sessions together, John brought up his ongoing concern for his mother. Then Jane burst out: “You’ve never even asked me if I would be willing to move so we could help your mom.”

Jane felt passed over and invisible. She was heartbroken that John could not see her longing to be part of … Come Read the Rest

emotional connection and attachment theory

How to Find Deeper Love by Understanding Attachment

We want closeness. But all couples fight sometimes. The biggest mistake in a relationship isn’t having arguments. What gets couples in big trouble is avoiding the emotions involved.

Couples can create closer emotional connection with each other, or drive themselves apart. It depends on the way they share emotions. You can make huge positive changes in your relationship by knowing more about emotional attachment.

Couples often seek counseling to stop “fighting all the time about the same stupid things.” The fights usually aren’t just about sex, money, habits, housekeeping, work, or any other topic.

Most couples are really arguing out of desperate isolation and frustration. They feel emotionally starved for connection with each other. They are fighting against something that threatens their need for safe attachment.

The connection between distress and attachment can be hard to see at first. Most couples need a bridge to take them from painful fighting to re-connection so they feel understood, accepted and soothed.

Now, thanks to new knowledge about attachment between adults, we can build that bridge.

Love

Come Read the Rest
Avoid contempt to stop constant arguing

4 Toxic Relationship Patterns You Need to Know

Every relationship hits rough patches.

But when you constantly feel hurt, ignored or rejected, it is natural to ask whether there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.

The key to a better relationship is how well you recognize blocks to emotional connection, and fix them.

Recognize Bad Advice

Most well meant advice on how to handle conflict doesn’t help you deal with emotional disconnection.

When you were growing up, how many times did you hear someone say:

“If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!”

“If you are right, you never have to say you are, “Sorry.”

“Just ignore them, and they will stop.”

 “Stick and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt you.”

Sometimes we put too much emphasis on being “nice,” at the expense of saying what you need. Too often, we’re told to disregard our human pain when in conflict with others. In relationships, we need tools to gently explore and name what we feel inside, or notice in someone else.

When we hit … Come Read the Rest